2008’s News Before It Happens

January: After paying $5 billion for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA’s waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers’ strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second “Transformers” film without a script, just as it did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for president of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, “It worked before.”

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from “Army Strong” to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Civil War.”

June: Population experts will warn that the world’s population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name Delicious Cupcakes.

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, “I can’t even remember what I did last night.”†

September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the $5-billion cost of his campaign, arguing, “Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country.”

December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The president will withdraw all U.S. troops—through Iran.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

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